Grief is a normal part of human experience. It is a necessary process to go through when we experience the loss of someone or something that we loved, needed, felt connected to, and that held meaning in our lives. We have fought our way through a pandemic that changed our lives. Along the way, we lost friends, family, livelihoods, jobs, and businesses built over generations. We lost a sense of certainty about what the future holds and access to the social support that would help us cope with that. The profound losses experienced by so many have changed the world and left a psychological fallout that is heavy with grief.
If we find a way to push it all down under the surface, it may be by keeping really busy, numbing ourselves with alcohol, or with denial of what happened. We may feel like we are doing well. Then something small that seems insignificant blows the lid off, and this world of pain explodes, leaving us in shock and questioning whether we can cope. So, denying our grief and pushing it away feels like self-protection, but in the long term, it can be the opposite.
Here are the most common experiences you might notice as a part of healthy grief
Denial:
Denial can assist us in surviving the terrible anguish of grief. It does not mean that we deny it is happening. But there may be a gradual pacing of how you take on board the situation you are facing and the new reality that awaits you. Whether you choose it or not. Over time, denial begins to fade, and this allows new waves of emotion to surface.
Anger:
Underneath anger is often intense pain or fear. When we allow ourselves to truly feel that anger and express it, we can bring those other emotions to the surface and work on them. But many people have been taught to fear anger and to feel ashamed of expressing it.
Anger is their to agitate us to move and make something happen. When we experience anger about something that we cannot control, using physical movement helps us to use that physiological arousal in the way it was designed to be used. venting in that way can be helpful to use up that energy and bring ourselves back down to baseline. Once the body and mind are calm, you are then more able to access the cognitive function necessary to get clarity on your thoughts and feelings or any problem-solving to be done.
Bargaining:
This occurs in fleeting moments. May be it’s hours or days spent ruminating over the
‘ What if….’ and ‘if only…’ thoughts. This can easily lead down a path towards self-blame. We start to wonder what could have been different if we had made different choices at different times. We may start bargaining with a god or universe, or we may promise to do things differently from now on and devote our life to making things better in some way, trying desperately in our minds to make it all better again. We just want things back the way they are.
Depression:
The word depression is used to describe the deep loss, intense sadness, and emptiness that follow a bereavement. This is a normal reaction to loss and does not necessarily indicate a mental illness. Depression is a normal response to depressing situations. Sometimes people around us can feel frightened by it and naturally want to fix it or cure it, or worse, want you to snap out of it.
Recognizing depression as a natural aspect of healthy bereavement allows us to strive to comfort ourselves through the pain, work hard to re-engage with regular life, and take care of our well-being as much as possible.
Acceptance:
When we give grief the time and space it needs, we begin to feel more able to step forward and play an active part in life again. Acceptance can be misunderstood as agreeing with or liking the situation. That is not true. In acceptance, the new reality is still not acceptable. it is still not as we want it to be. However, we begin to accept our new reality, listen to our needs, open up to new experiences, and form connections. It is also important to point out that acceptance is not an endpoint of grief. You may have found a means to live in this new world for only a few moments.
An ocean of grief as deep as it is wide; it feels too big, too much, and never-ending. How do we possibly face something like that ? we can start understanding what to expect. We may also ensure that we understand what helps us navigate the event. Then we take one experience at a time. We take a few strides into that ocean of grief. We feel it. We take a step back and rest for a moment. Over time we learn to take more steps, go deeper, and immerse ourselves, knowing that we can safely return to the shore. Experiencing grief does not make it disappear. But we build up our strength to know that we can be reminded and yet still return to engage with life in a normal way.
“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”
J R R Tolkien